Difference between revisions of "Looking for Hope"

It was a pleasant lunch, but Alma is preoccupied with someone. She is leaning in the edge of the sofa looking at Maya with a face that belies extra concern. She says, "Maya, Wednesday approached me about forming a circle. He's talked to me and Kai so far, and wants to talk to you. I'm worried about you. I don't know what all is going on in your life, but you are hurting yourself. Something's going to give." She is frowning. Her feelings are all over the map. There's a flavor of care all knotted up in something like anger.

In deference to the heat, Maya's wearing loose tie-dyed pants and one of those strappy yoga tops of hers, s sleeveless thing that shows off her lean biceps. The lines of those muscles seem harder than before, as if her softness has been pared away.

Worry shows up at first, a response to Alma's initial expression. And then Alma continues, and the Dreamspeaker presses her lips together. Her face floods with color, all the way to the tips of her ears, and by the time Alma finishes speaking, Maya's head is bowed between tense shoulders. "There's nothing that *can*, is the problem," she says, her voice low with suppressed emotion. She closes her eyes tight, rubbing her face with a hand. "I don't know. Where to find..." She gives a quick shake of her head. "I'll manage," she says finally. "I'll do better. I have to do better."

"No! I don't understand. Tell me. Why do you think that?" Alma's young and doesn't understand that everything isn't so simple. "You are exhausted. You are /always/ exhausted. Why the hell do /you/ have to do everything? Can't someone else help? You have ritual circles and they don't help you. You give give give." Alma is upset. She's not yelling but her voice is very tense and tight. She might even have a sore throat later. "I'm angry at everyone. sometimes I even get angry at you and it's not... it's just... at this emotion going everywhere." She breaths. "You aren't coping. You have to learn. You ahve to" Alma just caught herself saying 'you' and 'have to'. She's upset to find that she's talking like this. "No. You don't." Alma grunts in confused frustration. "I don't know what to do Maya, I wish we had None here. They know how to talk things through iwth me." Alma reaches out a hand to see if Maya is comfortable setting her hand next to it.

Gradually, Maya's shoulders climb, until they're almost at her ears. "I'm sorry," she whispers, hair falling forward the keep her face from sight. "I'm sorry. I can't--"

Alma attempts to hold Maya. She's confused and doesn't know what to do and wishes she was better at everything, including being a friend. "Maybe... maybe I could call Wednesday? Maybe he can help. He knows about setting up circles. He can talk to us about, uh. work loads. I think maybe it can be like a family. I don't know really. Whatever I do isn't going to be something that leaves people hanging. Can I call him?"

"Circles..." Maya gives a tiny shake of her head, and looks over to Alma, revealing confusion and uncertainty. "You mean a chantry? Like... like that Etherite keeps talking about?" Her expression twists with unease.

"No, like," Alma really ughs in frustration. "Why are they so confusing!" She breathes out and untenses. "No, like a small group. Like a group of chosen allies. like, /compatible/. Like, they can get each other. Not like a big place with meeting rules and 'I second the motion'." another breath. "Some group where we all like trees. birds. ...or, breathing." Alma remembers Maya helping her with calming breaths when Alma was frightened.

The color rekindles, and Maya ducks her head again. "I don't think Kai would want-- to work with me like that," she says softly. "Or-- or Wednesday. I'm not, I'm not good at... I've never done that."

"But, but, /Wednesday/ suggested you. He asked if I wanted to talk to you. I explained I did but that I was worried about you." Her concentration deepens. "And I pressed him. On my own account. I am not joining anything where I will have choice taken away from me. It sounds like, we can be a part of it and not everyone has to be lockstep. Maybe Kai wouldn't work directly with you, who knows. We haven't tried. I'm not jumping in without a lot of checking, but I have some... hopeful feelings." For an example, she says:

"I straight up told him that Zach is someone I would like to have a school with. Not that that may ever happen, but when Wednesday invites me to something, it means he is inviting who I am, including a person who respects Zach. Ok, well, Wednesday's reaction is to want to talk to Zach too. To include him. I haven't talked to Zach about it. I'm not sure what his take will be. I don't get hte idea that he'll be comfortable about the idea, but I'm going to talk to him."

"So... do you want to talk to Wednesday? I still would like to talk to you about ... your load. but mabye talking to Wednesday will help because you can see other ways to be. with allies who help each other? instead of take?"

The first statement snaps Maya's attention over to her, the Dreamspeaker's expression blank with shock. And then, when Alma talks about including Zach, Maya almost looks like she might cry. She blinks quickly, and lowers her eyes as she gives a small nod to answer the last important questions. "Sure," she says quietly, still a bit stunned. "Yeah, okay."

"I'm going to call." Alma says. She gets up to set a box of tissues by the sofa and also sets out a pitchur of fruited water with some glasses. She goes and turns on a tea kettle to heat up some water while she calls Wednesday, ring ring. "Wednesday? I'm talking to Maya about your idea. I wish you could be here to explain stuff? I don't know how this works and it's hard and I'm upset and that doesn't make things clear... and. Can you come over?"

Maya uses that time to step into the nearest bathroom she can find, taking her messenger bag along; the water runs, briefly, and when she returns she looks the tiniest bit fresher somehow. She stretches some, while Alma's on the phone, with deep breaths that accompany each movement.

"Yeah, sure - I'm actually really close. Let me swing by." Just scant minutes later, Wednesday is knocking at the door, a Rush t-shirt peeking out from underneath his coat, a leather satchel at his hip, and....his eyepatch flipped up, revealing a sunken eyelid.

When Alma opens the door to let Wednesday in, she is a little startled about the change in his eyepatch. She's never seen him do that before. She doesn't comment on it yet because she is focused on a lot of different things right now, including Note flying in through the door to land on her shoulder. "Come... oh hey Note. Come in Wednesday." Alma breathes a little easier as she scritches Note and heads back to the kitchen.

"I was telling Maya about your idea that we have a circle. I explained that you want to include her. and Zach too." Alma pulls some canisters of loose leaf tea out from her cabinet along with some teacups. All this goes on a tray and she brings it to set down to offer people tea.

"And I explained to her that we aren't all required to be lockstep. That we'll have choice, but that if I'm part of it it means I would support people and not just take and take and never give. I don't like the idea of being a part of anything that would just suck the life out of someone."

In deference to the heat, Maya's wearing loose tie-dyed pants and one of those strappy yoga tops of hers, a sleeveless thing that shows off her lean biceps. The lines of those muscles seem harder than before, as if her softness has been pared away. The body beneath that snug knit top is visibly... thinner? It's confirmed by the less-soft look of her face: cheekbones sharper, some of the sweetness missing, replaced by gaunt exhaustion and deep bruised shadows beneath her eyes.

Her aura matches the physical reality: brightness dimmed down by fatigue, stress and worry and despair eating away at her innate scarred strength.

Maya actually smiles just a little, though, when she sees him. She lifts a hand, and offers a scratchy, "Hey."

Alma's aura is super agitated. Like maybe boiling water chasing freezing water around a parking lot like if a fox was chasing a hare or maybe a hare a turtle? no that's not it at all. How about someone who has intense joy and love which are espressed in the feeling of someone who is on a mountaintop in an intense invigerating snow storm but who's feeling beaten down and tired and is really really shivering with confusion over how to handle everything. and this person is not in control and can't control all of this weather. and her feelings of protection are all frustrated and upset.

Wednesday takes one look at Maya, his eye narrowing. "Dream, you look like you've been on a tree for three days - what the fuck?" His tone is soft, though, not angry, just imploring. He takes a few giant strides - his coat flaring a bit behind him - to join the other two. "Alma speaks true about the circle - it was a thought I had shortly after meeting you for the first time - you remember, when you were giving life to your grove?" He tilts his head, angling his blind side away from Maya.

With a little nod, Maya lowers her eyes. "Yeah," she says hoarsely. "I just-- I--" She takes a deeper, slower breath and admits, "I don't have much to offer anyone right now. As is obvious, yeah?" It's only after the question that she looks across any intervening space to both of them. She even stands awkwardly, arms wrapped around her body, like a gangly teenager ashamed of her height and budding breasts, like a survivor trying to protect herself from further harm.

"Hey, let's sit down." Alma guides Maya back to a sofa cushion and waves Wednesday to sit down. Alma's kettle is heated to a temperature perfect for Jasmin and she pours it in to a pot. Some fruited water is available in a pitcher for people who don't want tea. "Look, you do too much as it is, but you still have things to offer. Don't underestimate how much you help by just listening to me. Maybe Wednesday needs that too. I mean, who knows. And you let me ask questions..." She turns to Wednesday. "She's so tired! All the time! I don't know why! No one helps! She teaches all these people yoga and wiccans and... it's all going somewhere and I don't... can you!" Alma has riled herself up and Note hops closer to her ear and pinches it.

"Thanks Note." Wednesday sits, pulling the satchel strap off his shoulder and setting it on the floor at his feet. To Alma, "Take a breath, enjoy some tea. She's with people that care, now, so." To Maya, "This is why we need to group up. And I owe you this - you've introduced me to people and places in the city I wouldn't have stayed thirty seconds in on my own. So it's our turn, now, and that's fine - each season has it's turn, they don't all go on at once." He glances at her, up and down again, considering. "Do you want me to help heal you?"

Chastened, Maya goes where she's told to go, sits where Alma nudges her to sit. The woman's fierce words have the Dreamspeaker's shoulders climbing up toward her ears again, and Maya's posture is almost entirely closed: elbows resting on knees, body slightly hunched. "I'm just tired," she says quietly. "Look, I--" She looks to one of them and then the other, slightly defensive, her voice quiet and small. "I have to pay the mortgage, and the city... there's so much, with everything that's happening. Shaw, and whatever this thing is with someone trying to rewrite the map. There's all this stuff I have to do. So much I should have thought of ages ago, so much I need to figure out..."

"You can't expect to figure everything out on your own. And look how exhausted you are. Just existing with that much exhaustion takes work. You are managing the best you can with what you have right now, right, but you don't have to keep doing the same thing. Maybe if you talked to us and we could work together... me, like, school, chemistry..." Alma looks at Wednesday as if to say, help.

There's a faint hint of Wednesday's grin(tm) at 'chemistry,' but that fades to a stone-serious expression, eye glinting as he asks, "Maya, will you let us help you? With any of it, or all? We don't have to do anything right now - if you're tired, you're right, you should rest - but delegate. Alma's been clever with her own investigations, and I'm...tall," he ends, lamely, but the hint of a grin is back. He reaches for some water-plus.

"I don't know what people can *help* with," Maya says, her expression strangely forlorn. "Can you put more time in a day?" She lets out a little breath, the kind that comes along with a wan smile. "Anthony maybe could have, but he's gone. Lost to whatever--*whoever*--is making things disappear from the world."

That, of course, brings enough pain that she has to turn her face away.

"Look, I understand you don't want me to know where you live, but I could at least cook for you here and you could pick up food? You'd have that much less to do. You could drop laundry off with me too. I help do laundry runs for 2nd Stories." Alma pauses in contomplation, "One day I'll be able to put more time in a day."

Wednesday's expression softens more "I'm sorry for the lost, Dream. I'm glad you're working to protect the rest of us, and...whatever the Shaw thing is. We can't help you if you won't give us something to do, though - and then we'll weep for you." His head tilts the other way, considering something else. "I have something that might revitalize you, and maybe I can ease your worries, too - if you want. Are you still singing?"

Maya gives Alma a slightly wide eyed look, almost like... she's horrified by those offers to help with such mundane things? She lets out a breath, lowering her gaze briefly before Wednesday draws her attention to him. "I'm not protecting anyone," she says weakly, her voice broken, her expression hopeless. "I'm not-- I'm just getting by, you know? And yeah, I'm singing, but I don't know if I can afford to give up my day job, and *nothing* helps with all of the--" She waves a hand around. "City stuff." Her eyes close briefly, she presses her lips together, and then she takes a deep breath. The sort that's meant to ground you. Her head bows enough to hide her expression completely. "There's nothing-- I can't *tell* people to do stuff. And there's isn't anyone who can help with the-- with the biggest problem. With the Eater of Souls. Now that the Garou--" The tightening in her shoulders and neck is plainly visible.

"No, no, I AM going to help with that. I don't know as much about this as you do but I have my ways of learning things. I'll be careful about the Garou. Jim explained that they are really secretive and violent. If you can't tell me things because of them, so be it. But, be just dead certain. I am NOT going to let something continue to prey on the dead. There are no ghosts out there right now. If I fail, someone else will come. This can't stand. No, I'm helping." She sighs. nudges Maya's hand a little. "Look, can you try being skeptical? Just imagine yourself being able to accept help? What would you ant the help to look like? Be skeptical and imagine that it is possible."

Wednesday gestures to Alma as if to say, 'See? Give her a chance, you'll be impressed." He doesn't say anything, though, just sips some water, the grin slowly returning, as if something occurred to him.

Maya's attention shifts to Alma, listening, trying to understand. She swallows hard. "I don't know. That's the thing. I-- tried to make a home for the people I care about, and th--" She glances down, brow furrowed, and she gives a little shake of her head. "I have to work. I-- the balances, between this world and the spirit world, the fight against the Wyrm, trying to heal people with the music and however else I can... making change with magic. All of that, it's... who I *am*. If there were other Dreamspeakers-- more people who can touch the spirits-- maybe it would make a difference. If people cared about what's happening." When she looks over to Alma again, her eyes are shining with unshed tears. "You care," she whispers. "And you understand, some. That's good."

Alma eyes are dusty. She looks at Wednesday. "Look, do you have something that can help with panic attacks? She gets those sometimes." She turns to Maya, "I don't know why you get them. I think maybe you just take so much in and you get overhwlemed. and you don't stop taking everything in. Maybe he can give you a charm for it." Alma is very tense. She strokes Note gently.

"I can make a charm for that, and for stamina. If she'll allow it." Wednesday licks his lips, thinking. "We're not of the Kha'vadi, but we care, and we want to help how we can - helping you can help your efforts." He shakes his head, rolling his eye. "This is one of the reasons I don't have an apartment - who needs the stress?" His posture and expression become oddly formal again. "Maya, a third time I ask, will you allow us to help you?"

There's a suspicious shimmer in Maya's eyes as she listens to them both. She

• almost* replies to Alma, almost, but then Wednesday speaks and she focuses on

him. The shining only increases, as he speaks. When she answers, her voice betrays the closeness of tears: quiet, throaty, full of breaks. "I would, I swear I would," she says, slightly choked. "I just-- I don't know what to do. Something has to give, I know that, but... there's nothing that *can*. I could stop teaching, but that's a risk. Relying on the music. Maybe I should take it, but-- but what if I can't pay the mortgage? Then I've taken away the home I wanted to give to the people I love. And if I do that, if I focus on the band, then *that* will grow and it'll take up that time anyway, probably. And the rest..." She ducks her head hard, and though her face isn't visible, there's a new strain in her voice. "I feel like-- even though I wasn't one of them, I was... part of something. Part of a team that was facing this threat. And now I-- I'm not."

When she looks over to Alma, the tears have finally come, welling up in her eyes and starting to streak down Maya's flushed cheeks. "Knowing that someone else cares about it-- I can't even tell you. How much that-- how much of a difference it makes."

Alma hugs Maya.

"I can perform a charm to keep you healthy and vitalized even through work and stress, and I can perform another that can give you the same hope you give your coffee-shop audiences." Wednesday's grin is back, full on. "Or, there are other options, if something has to go and you can't choose."

Maya seems tense in that embrace, and by the time she draws away, she's blinking back more tears. When she looks over to Wednesday, there's a clear struggle behind the blue eyes: it's difficult to trust, and even more difficult to accept his aid. There's a long silence before she manages to give an unsteady answer: "Okay."

Alma remains quiet, waiting to see what Wednesday and Maya do.

Wednesday sighs with relief, the hard edge of his grin softening to something younger and goofier. "Well, that's good! I have what I need with me," he reaches down to the satchel, flipping the cover open to reveal three rows of tiny amber bottles, all labeled with handwriting, and a sort-of rod thing in two parts. He pulls a couple of bottles, nodding at one and putting the other back. "You'll have to drink this one - oak, juniper, walnut. I think I know the runes that will help sharpen your will. It'd be better to do this outside, or in a circle of the three of us." He nods to Alma.

Maya looks over to Alma, and accepts the suggestion of the backyard. She's quiet, compliant, a little tense and uncertain.

Alma looks at Wednesday. "What will we do? Will this cure her panic attacks? can you do that?"

Wednesday shakes his head. "This is a temporary boost, to keep her going. I can do it again, whenever you need, Dream," this obviously directed to Maya.

Maya offers Alma a wan half-smile. "I don't think anyone can fix the PTSD stuff," she says quietly. "I've been living with it for a long time. It's fine."

Alma remains quiet, and watches.

Wednesday arranges the three of them on the grass, knees brushing knees, up close. He hands the tincture bottle to Maya, "Drink it up - and try to taste as little as possible - it won't make you hurl, but it's no lemon drop shot." He begins to chant in a low, quiet, monotone, "tu ku ta ka te ke ter ker tor kor..." repeating, getting louder, then fading.

Maya settles into full lotus taking the bottle from him. She depends and slows her breathing, dropping into a light trance; when his chanting begins, she drinks, tossing it back like it's a tequila shot.

Alma syncs up her breathing with Wednesday and Maya and allows her mind to flow.

The chanting, "tu ku ta ka..." grows louder now, slowly but constantly. Wednesday's eye is scrunched closed with concentration.

Eyes closed, Maya sinks deeper, opening herself to the repetitive form of the chant, letting it lull her mind and body.

The chanting fades much more quickly, minutes after starting. Wednesday pops his eye open, peeking at Maya and Alma. "Better?"

Maya's brow furrows a little as she opens her eyes. For a moment her attention turns inward, and her eyes widen a little in wonder as she looks across to Wednesday. She offers her hands to him, palms up. "Thank you," she says softly, an intent focus in her gaze that lends the words extra substance and sincerity.

"You look happier," Alma says. She looks at Wednesday, "Do you think... maybe could you come here weekly? You and Maya?"

Wednesday chuckles tiredly. "Well, we should meet as a circle on a regular basis. Weekly at the least, to catch up, share news and see if anyone needs anything." He begins to stand - it takes a moment. "I won't want to instill her heart with hope regularly, though - that's an emergency thing."

Maya looks from Alma to Wednesday, eyes widening for a different reason. She opens her mouth to reply, denial written plain on her face. Excuses, uncertainty, that unwillingness to have anyone go out of their way for her... clearly there are serious issues here. Reluctance to trust is among them, too.

She rises with Wednesday, and gives a small shake of her head. "You don't have to," she says softly. "This... today, it's... You don't owe me anything. You know?"

Alma rises as well and guides them back. "Is here okay to meet? I have a kitchen here, and I like to feed people."

Wednesday smiles at Maya and Alma in turn. "I like to be fed. Ask...well, just see." To Maya, sing-songy, "It's not about owing, I'm not keeping score. It turns out that this is what my charms are for."

Maya gives the Odin-priest a small half-smile. "Okay, Floki," she says with a hint of teasing. Then, more soberly, "I'm in your debt." She looks over to Alma. "Both of you."